at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
