Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
