Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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