Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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