There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
