Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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