it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
