I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
