theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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