i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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