we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
