I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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