my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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