I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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