she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't deserve a penis
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
