I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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