Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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