I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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