My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
