dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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