We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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