Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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