I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im holly from the hills drunk
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
