Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
