I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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