I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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