he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
