Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize