hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
