I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
