dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
