I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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