Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
cat food counts as protein by the way
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
