I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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