Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My balls are so social today.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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