I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
