My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
