Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
