your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
