I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
