Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like abortions should bother me more
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Even my vagina gasped.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
