her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
