the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
