I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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