WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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