I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
