theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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