you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
