i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
