she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
