So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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