I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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