Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
