We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
